Storm Preparedness Checklist: Nutella, Scrabble, & Other Lesser-known Emergency Essentials

Are you ready for Frankenstorm? You’ve probably already got the basics taken care of. Bottled water? Check. Batteries? Check. Celebrity-themed crossword puzzles? Check. These are the obvious supplies people tell you to stock up on for an impending catastrophe. But what about the overlooked essentials? The things the Red Cross doesn’t remind you about, but boy will you be glad you thought of them when you’re sitting in your dark house finishing off the last of your mostly-melted Chunky Monkey ice cream. So ask yourself, am I ready? If that answer is, “Yes, of course—I was an Eagle Scout,” then good for you. But otherwise, take a look at this checklist to see if you have everything you’ll need:

1. Nutella—Even if there wasn’t a storm coming, you should always have at least two liters of Nutella on hand. It’s a good source of protein, and when the zombie apocalypse comes (as Joss Whedon has foretold), you can use Nutella as a general condiment to make whatever beef jerky and stale bread you’ve got to eat go down easier. Also, if you get injured somehow, just put some Nutella on it. (It has medicinal properties.) It can also be used to plug up leaks when your house (or boat, raft, ark, etc.) floods. Nutella can literally save your life.

2. Books (the kind made out of paper)—This is the part where I say, “HA!” to all you Kindle owners whose entire libraries will be lost after your precious e-readers run out of battery. You’ll be crying in a corner, wondering how Cloud Atlas ends, while I’m sitting in my room surrounded by hundreds of books, happy as a clam. (If clams were literate, and loved Harry Potter.) If you still have time, go out and get some actual books to read by candlelight when the power goes out. For recommendations, check out our fun-filled, though somewhat anemic Pop Culture Nexus bookshelf.

3. Portable DVD Player (fully charged)—If you have one of these, let me know because I’m coming over to your house when the power goes out so we can have a Friday Night Lights marathon. Most of these babies can play for six hours or more before running out of juice. If you’ve got one, make sure it’s ready to go, because if you’re like me, the first thing that’s going to drive you insane when the storm hits is not being able to watch your favorite TV shows.

4. Lost: The Complete Series on DVD—Because, well, duh.

5. Bow and Arrow—If watching The Walking Dead and Revolution has taught me anything, it’s that when the apocalypse comes, bow and arrows will be an extremely popular and effective weapon for hunting and self-defense. As long as you can whittle arrows, you’ll never run out of ammo. Also, if you get bored, you can reenact scenes from The Hunger Games.

6. Scrabble—This is what they called “Words with Friends” before there were iPhones. Once your phone dies, you can get your Words with Friends fix by playing ye olde board game. No electricity required!

7. Boombox—Another outdated piece of technology that will come in handy when there’s no electricity. This way you can listen to the weather report on the radio, as well as all those old mix CDs you never thought you’d need again. Well, dust off your old Now! That’s What I Call Music discs, because that iPod battery isn’t going to last forever, but a boombox has a much longer lifespan. This is the perfect time to reignite that debate about whether *NSYNC or Backstreet Boys was the better boy band of the 90s.

8. Twinkies—If you’ve seen Zombieland, you know that the quest for Twinkies was what kept Woody Harrelson alive during the zombie apocalypse, so do yourself a favor and stock up on these delicious, nutrient-deficient treats. They’ll be the new currency when society crumbles. Plus, they never expire!

9. A String Instrument of Some Kind, Preferably a Banjo or Ukulele—This is so you can have a big group sing-along by the fire…assuming you haven’t all gotten on each others’ nerves so much that you can’t be in the same room together. In which case, a little banjo-strumming “kumbaya” might be just what you guys need to stay sane until the storm passes.

10. Trained Carrier Pigeons—Okay, this is a long shot. It’s probably too late now to order a fully-trained carrier pigeon and have it arrive before the storm hits, but it’s worth a try. If things get really bad, we won’t have email, we won’t have phone service, and the U.S. postal service (yes, it still exists) might be shut down during the storm. This leaves carrier pigeons as the only viable option for fast, reliable communication. Carrier pigeons are the original iPhone. And instead of charging them, you just feed them some birdseed and send them on their way. Just don’t let them near your Twinkies.

Of course, the number one necessity for any catastrophe or emergency situation in which you are likely to be stuck in the same place for an extended period of time without access to the outside world is…alcohol. Make sure your liquor cabinet is well-stocked, my friends. (Unless you’re underage, in which case, this is pretty inappropriate.) Start thinking of creative drinking games now, because you’re going to need them later. I recommend Amy Sedaris’ suggestion from last week’s 30 Rock: every time someone says something, drink!

Drinking games aside, stay safe, folks. Charge your phones and your portable DVD players, and make sure you’re not the slowest one in your group, so that when the zombies come (or mermen—I’m not ruling them out), there’s someone slower to distract them.

-L

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Posted on October 29, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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