‘Almost Human’ Photo Recap 1×03: “Are You Receiving?”

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If I’m being totally honest, I’m still not 100% sure what the reasoning behind this week’s big crime was. Then again, I tend to kind of zone out when Michael Ealy and Karl Urban aren’t on screen. (In my head I imagine them off together reenacting scenes from Dirty Dancing and feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries.) At first it seemed like some radical group known as the “Holy Reclamation Army” was behind it—which I was actually kind of intrigued by—but then it was like, “JK, just your standard Palladium heist. NBD.” So that was a little disappointing. But on the plus side, John and Dorian spent a good portion of the episode stuck in a stairwell together, which is never a bad thing.

Waking up to another day of curmudgeonliness, John actually took Dorian’s advice and tried using some olive oil to help with the squeak in his robo-leg, and it totally worked! This was just the first instance of John using some kind of foodstuff to fix a piece of highly advanced technology in this episode. (Spoiler: the other one involves chewing gum.)

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Can we talk about the fact that John has a teapot in his kitchen? Seriously. Can you just imagine him curling up with a steaming cup of chamomile, crocheting a tea cozy while he watches Downton Abbey? I just really didn’t peg him for a tea man, but I guess there are more layers to John Kennex than I thought.

After John’s little wakeup montage, we met James, the charming and friendly security guard who was clearly about to meet some horrible fate, because that’s generally what happens when you’re a new character in the first six minutes of a procedural drama.

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Poor James… He seemed like a really nice guy. But there’s no place for nice guys in prime time. Only antiheroes and emotionally stunted misanthropes allowed here.

Trigger-Happy Todd and his band of sullen goons invaded the building and planted some potentially dangerous looking device.

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Meanwhile, John was using the heat caused by the attraction between him and Dorian to warm his coffee on the drive to work.

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The best part was when Dorian stuck his finger in John’s coffee to test the temperature. John seemed rather affronted by this breach of personal hygiene, which was surprising, considering he would later chew a piece of used gum he found in the trash and then stick it inside Dorian’s head. So yeah, a finger in the coffee really doesn’t seem like a big deal in comparison.

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OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. You couldn’t be more suggestive if you were both naked in a hottub listening to Barry White. I just can’t handle the sexual tension between these two.

Their mutual attraction is like a light bomb that might explode at any minute, leaving a gaping hole in my heart the floor of an office building that is most definitely a safety hazard.

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I knew these guys were up to no good. With a floor full of hostages and the structural integrity of the building compromised, Maldonado told John that he and Dorian should definitely not climb the stairs to the top of the building to help rescue all the innocent people that were trapped there. Which is of course exactly what he did.

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You’d think Maldonado would know by now that John will literally do the opposite of what she tells him to do. Including spend forty minutes in a stairwell with Dorian while they flirt and orchestrate a plan to save the day.

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Since the cops were blocking all communications, the emergency calls from people in the building bounced back to Dorian. He started answering them in various voices, including a Portuguese woman and John Kennex.

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Can you imagine the role-playing possibilities? How many fanfics do you think I could find with this exact premise if I Googled it right now? [twenty minutes of Googling later…] OK, I’m sorry, I was really going to try to cut down on my Jorian innuendos, but how can I resist when they keep doing things like this?

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Dammit boys! This is no time for foreplay! While these two were staring deeply into each other’s eyes, Maldonado was negotiating with the head bad guy, who was being pretty unreasonable, demanding some military grade fission igniter or something.

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Good luck with that, Maldonado. Lucky for her, two of her best men were already on the inside hatching a plan.

John had started a conversation with Paige, a hostage who was helping him assess the situation. In an attempt to calm her, John told her a story about when he fell into the water while ice fishing and his father jumped in to save him. This is the point at which I jumped up from my futon and shouted, “OH MY GOD IT’S JUST LIKE FRINGE.” I know this scene was supposed to be all about John reaching out to comfort a stranger and human connection and not feeling alone in the face of a crisis or whatever, but all I could think was PETER AND WALTER AND REIDEN LAKE AND FRINGE HOLY BALLS IT’S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW…and then I just started humming Celine Dion.

So, um, that happened. *Regains composure*

After Maldonado was done banging her head against a wall (figuratively) because she couldn’t get a fission igniter in 45 minutes, Rudy stepped in to offer his assistance. Also he was dressed like a professor at Hogwarts.

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Oh hey! I forgot Minka Kelly is on this show.

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Poor Minka. Maybe someday she can have more than three lines in an episode. It’s not her fault that the boys steal the show. I mean, it’s hard to compete with all that non-stop action…

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They actually did get involved in a stairwell shootout after Dorian’s loud sarcastic comment tipped off the bad guys to their location. (It was totally worth it though.) In all the gunfire, Dorian caught a ricochet on the forehead and started sparking. Not to worry though: Dr. Bones McCoy John was there to give him some first aid…using a dirty Q-tip he found in the garbage and some nail clippers.

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Kudos to whoever wrote the “50 shades of purple” line, by the way. I could not believe what John did next. It was easily the most disgusting thing we’ve seen on this show so far—and that’s saying a lot.

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OK, say what you will, but THAT is love. Chewing a piece of used gum from a trashcan is the epitome of devotion. That’s like let-you-have-the-floating-door-while-I-freeze-to-death love. These two are clearly soul mates.

John’s new best friend Paige was bold enough to leave her hiding place to go comfort her sister, and she even managed to leave her phone out in the open so John could keep up with what was going on. They figured out that the whole hostage thing was just a diversion (complete with fancy hologram face masks) while they stole some Palladium from across the street. TWIST!

Dorian came up with a super badass Die Hard plan to sneak in through the air ducts, but John didn’t want him going alone, so they had the standard lovers’ quarrel over who gets to risk their life. It was pretty adorable.

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Then Dorian performed a one-man Cirque du Soleil show in the elevator shaft as he made his way to the floor with the hostages.

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And then he burst down from the ceiling like a super stealthy possum.

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Lesson #12 in the John Kennex school of combat: If you run out of ammo, just throw your gun at your enemy’s face. With their combined badassery, John and Dorian managed to take down all the bad guys and disarm the bomb, saving the hostages. John was rewarded with a hug of gratitude from Paige.

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Not to mention a standing ovation from the other slackers back at the precinct.

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Yeah, that’s right losers. The one-legged malcontent and the “dysfunctional” robot saved the day. Get used to it.

After getting an earful from Rudy for his MacGyver job on Dorian’s hardware and a brief lecture from Maldonado on following direct orders, John decided to blow off everyone else (including Minka Kelly) to go have dinner with his partner.

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On the drive to the noodle place, they talked about their hopes and dreams, and Dorian called him Reggie, and then they sang “Bennie and the Jets” together, and I almost died of it being awesome. They should do karaoke night every week and sing Elton John songs together. Please someone make that happen. (May I request “Your Song” and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”?)

What was your favorite part of this episode? Did you freak out as much as I did about John’s ice fishing story? Do you think John is actually a reincarnation of Peter Bishop? And Dorian is actually the spirit of Lincoln Lee, reanimated in a sexy robot? Is this show actually a secret Fringe spin-off taking place in another alternate universe? Speaking of other J.J. Abrams-produced shows that I adore, did anyone else catch the nod to Lost when John told Dorian that “dead is dead”? (That’s the title of a season 5 episode of Lost.) What kind of tea do you think John drinks? So many questions…

Also, remember last week when I jokingly named John’s made-up cat “Reginald,” and then this week we found out that JOHN’S MIDDLE NAME IS REGINALD? Yeah. I just wanted to bring that up because HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

As always, thanks to TV.com’s brilliant Price Peterson, whose hilarious Vampire Diaries photo recaps were the inspiration for mine. And thank you for reading!


*All images are property of FOX Broadcasting


Posted on November 27, 2013, in Almost Human Photo Recaps, Photo Recaps, Television and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Love this review! (But that’s a kettle, as in, a thing you put on the stove to heat water, presumably for noodles, and not a tea pot).

  2. OH MY GOODNESS LOUISE YOU HAVE OUT DONE YOURSELF WITH THIS RECAP!!! I love that you picked up on the ‘LOST’ refrence as I was freaking out at that almost as much as the whole Reiden Lake story!!! Could we be related Louise, as we seem to totally flip over the same things? I do have to say though that while I love Dorian and John as best friends, I do not ship them. I am team John and Valerie! 😛

    P.S. I miss Lincoln Lee with a passion.

  3. Ummm… Wow.
    I’m amazed that I managed to find such a brilliant recount of an Almkst Human episode — especially from someone who ships Jorian!!!
    You are brilliant!! I absolutely LOVE your photo edits — they killed me 😀
    And that homoerotic subtext! I’m glad Im not the only one who picked up on it 😉
    Brilliant job! Though I wish there were more episodes being released for you to talk about… Oh well, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen 🙂

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