Category Archives: Quotes

Quotes of the Week: ‘Community,’ ‘Cougar Town,’ & More

Chris Parnell guest stars on '30 Rock' as Dr. Spaceman; Professor Kane becomes the default judge on 'Community'; and Schmidt learns an important lesson about mean Russian models (photos courtesy of NBC and Fox)

Here are some of the week’s best lines from all of our favorite shows…

Cougar Town 3×09 “Money Becomes King”

Laurie: “Do you remember my life philosophy?”
Travis: “Don’t get hammered at brunch?”
Laurie: “The one after that…”
Travis: “You gotta shake it till you make it?”
Laurie: “It turns out that one is only really good for dance-offs or cocktails…”

New Girl 1×22 “Tomatoes”

Nadia: “I like his face. I want to punch, punch, punch!”
Schmidt: “Beautiful women… you guys can say just about anything, can’t you?”

Community 3×17 “Basic Lupine Urology”

Lieutenant Colonel Archwood: “Objection—she’s clearly ramping up to something.”
Jeff: “Objection—that’s not a real objection.”
Professor Kane: “Objection—I hate both of you.”

30 Rock 6×19 “Live From Studio 6H”

“Nine out of ten doctors surveyed said, ‘Who is this? Why are you calling so late?’ But the tenth guy was into it.” —Nazi Dr. Spaceman, after polling doctors on the medicinal value of Chattertons cigarettes for pregnant women

Parks and Recreation 4×20 “The Debate”

Donor: “So you do a lot of investing?”
Andy: “We dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale. Left those at a Wendy’s on the way home, so… the economy…”


Quotes of the Week: ‘How I Met Your Mother,’ ’30 Rock,’ & More

Here’s a look at some of this week’s most memorable quotes…

How I Met Your Mother 7×21 “Now We’re Even”

“No, I demolished a box of Froot Loops fully nude.” —Ted, correcting Lily after she claimed he ate an entire box of Froot Loops in his tightey-whiteys

Castle 4×21 “Headhunters”

“That was awesome! Beckett never drives on the sidewalk!” —Castle, on his new daredevil partner Slaughter’s driving

Suburgatory 1×19 “Entering Eden”

“Yakult was living as a gay male dog in East Chatswin.” —Dalia

Cougar Town 3×08 “Ways to Be Wicked”

“Why does this school even have a cougar? Nothing here has anything to do with cougars.” —Sig, on his college’s inexplicable statue of a cougar in the quad (but really it was a hilarious dig at the irrelevant title of the show)

Community 3×16 “Virtual Systems Analysis”

“I used a mnemonic device: ‘Kevin Come Over For Gay Sex.'” —Pierce, on how he remembers the order of taxonomic classifications in Biology

30 Rock 6×18 “Murphy Brown Lied to Us”

“You’re the one who insisted on hiring American engineers. All they teach us now is how to build roller coasters and Survivor challenges.” —KouchTown engineer to Jack

The Vampire Diaries 3×19 “Heart of Darkness”

“Didn’t you find it weird that you made a friend so fast? Have you met you?” —Damon to Jeremy, who had unknowingly befriended an Original while living in Denver

Quotes of the Week: ‘New Girl,’ ‘The Voice,’ & More

2 Broke Girls 1×20 “And the Drug Money

“Anything I can do to help? I’m pretty courtroom savvy. I mean, I haven’t seen every episode of ‘Law & Order.’ Just, like 400 of them.” —Max, on her impressive legal education

The Voice, 2×12 “Live Performances, Week 2”

“I almost threw my panties on the stage.” —Blake Shelton, after James Massone’s performance

New Girl 1×20 “Normal”

“It’s like we’re living in a romantic comedy montage. Like, we throw our heads back and we laugh and I try on floppy hats for him. It’s pretty perfect. It’s like the first act of a TV movie—until I find out that he has a wife and kids in another state.” —Jess, on the blissful beginning stages of her relationship with Russell

Raising Hope 2×21 “Inside Probe”

“Burt enjoyed pretending to read, trying on hats, and the outdoors.” —Nancy Grace, as herself, narrating Burt’s early childhood on an episode of Inside Probe

Community 3×15 “Origins of Vampire Mythology”

Annie: “She’s whipped by an imaginary douche.”
Dean Pelton: “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”

30 Rock 6×17 “Meet the Woggels!”

“We found your name on a list of disappointments she keeps folded up in her shoe.” —Colleen’s Doctor, to Jack

Fringe 4×18 “The Consultant”

“You couldn’t bring over a casserole, but a severed hand is okay?” —Lincoln, on Walter’s cross-universe transport of a severed hand

Quotes of the Week: ‘Survivor,’ ‘New Girl,’ & More

Jonas struggles to strategize with his idiotic tribe mates on 'Survivor'; Britta seduces Subway on 'Community'; and Nick enjoys a night of drinking with an old pal on 'New Girl'

Here’s a quick look at the week’s best lines…

New Girl 1×18 “Fancyman, Part 2”

“Where are you guys? Could I have walked out to the mountains? When does a hill become a mountain? I’m so cold!” —Nick, literally standing 30 feet from the car, puking in the grass

Raising Hope 2×19 “Hogging All the Glory”

CeCe: “Oh, I get what’s happening here. It’s because pony-tail out there called you a ‘sex-receptionist.'”
Schmidt (indignant): “A sex-receptionist answers calls all day. A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing…basically runs the office. So, first of all, thank you for the demotion. And second of all, I quit.”

Survivor 25×07 “The Beauty in a Merge”

Jonas: “We need to get stuff together here, you know?”
Mike: “Like supplies? Or, like, thoughts?”

Happy Endings 2×20 “Big White Lies”

“Serbian tradition. We always do things early ’cause we never know when we’re going to have to pack up and murder a populace.” —Jane

Community 3×13 “Digital Exploration of Interior Design”

Pierce: “Top notch whoresmanship, Britta.”
Shirley: “Pierce!”
Pierce: “Sorry—whoreswomanship. Forgot it was the ’90s.”

Quotes of the Week: 30 Rock, 2 Broke Girls, & More

How I Met Your Mother 7×19 “The Broath”

[Spooky chanting in the background]
Ted: “Wait, are they chanting ‘Bro’?”
Barney: “I got some locals monks to record this. Yeah, I got a monk guy. Cool right?”

2 Broke Girls 1×19 “And the Spring Break”

“You put the ‘Oh no’ in kimono.” —Caroline, to a revealing kimono-clad Oleg

Cougar Town 3×06 “Something Big”

“That makes less sense than non-alcoholic beer. Or soccer.” —Bobby

Happy Endings 2×19 “You Snooze, You Bruise”

“So Dave is really gonna fight the guy? Our Dave? The same Dave who wept during Jeremy Renner’s Oscar speech?” —Penny

Community 3×12 “Contemporary Impressionists”

“Abed is a magical elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near us.” —Troy

30 Rock 6×13 “Grandmentor”

“Are you sure? ‘Cause I took one of those ‘which Gossip Girl are you?’ quizzes, and it said I was the dad’s guitar.” —Liz

Quotes of the Week: ‘Cougar Town,’ ‘Community,’ & More

New Girl, season 1, episode 16, “Control”

“You’re like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, old magician crazy.” —Jess, to slightly neurotic Schmidt

Raising Hope, season 2, episode 17, “Spanks Butt, No Spanks”

“Somewhere between Mary Poppins and Precious.” —Virginia, on the appropriate amount of force behind an effective spanking

Cougar Town, season 3, episode 5, “A One Story Town”

“To me, people are just bags of skin that slow down my day.” —Ellie

Suburgatory, season 1, episode 17, “Independence Day”

“Dalia, you can’t just throw Hangover monkeys at the problem.” —Dallas, explaining to her daughter why buying a pet monkey won’t heal the pain of her parents’ divorce

Modern Family, season 3, episode 18,  “Send Out the Clowns”

“We were great together. We spoke each other’s language…we finished each other’s balloon animals.” —Cam, on his former clown partnership with Lewis

Happy Endings, season 2, episode 18, “Party of Six”

“You know what I was thinking about? If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler then married and divorced Michael Moore then got into a three-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore?—Max

Community, season 3, episode 11, “Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts”

“I’ve loved you ever since there was a Soviet Union and only one Damon Wayans.” —Andre, proposing to Shirley

30 Rock, season 6, episode 12, “St. Patrick’s Day”

Tracy: “Siri, kill Jenna!”
Siri: “I killed Jenna Elfman. Is that right?”

Quotes of the Week: ‘Modern Family,’ ‘The Voice,’ & More

How I Met Your Mother, season 7, episode 18: “Karma”

Barney: “What am I going to do about this Quinn thing? I want to ask her out again, but I don’t know how I feel about her being a stripper.”
Ted: “Why would you have an issue with that? You’ve dated convicted felons, arms dealers, pageant moms…”

2 Broke Girls, season 1, episode 18: “And the One-Night Stands”

“I blew up a Chipotle for you!” —Irish (to Max)

The Voice, season 2, episode 5

Blake: “I love you, Adam.”
Adam: “I love you too…in a totally nonsexual way.”
Blake: “I can’t say the same.”

Castle, season 4, episode 17: “Once Upon a Crime”

Beckett: “Speaking of which…”
Castle: “Actors or psychopaths?”
Beckett: “I was thinking about your mother.”
Castle: “Oh, so a little bit of both.”

Cougar Town, season 3, episode 3: “Lover’s Touch”

Ellie: “I miss being a ho.”
Laurie: “You want back in? Because we’ll take you back.”

Suburgatory, season 1, episode16: “Poetic Injustice”

“This is Finn. He’s uncircumcised!” —Dallas, introducing her new croquet partner

Modern Family season 3, episode 17: “Leap Day”

“Okay birthday boy, what’s it gonna be? Rom-com or horror? Or we could do both and watch Maid in Manhattan.” —Mitchell

Happy Endings, season 2, episode 16: “Cocktails & Dreams”

“Ooh! Floor bacon!” —Max

30 Rock season 6, episode 10: “Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky”

“I just had an emergency meeting with legal, and we can no longer use the words ‘hit,’ ‘great show,’ ‘fun,’ or ‘broadcast television.'” —Jack

Quotes of the Week: ‘How I Met Your Mother,’ ’30 Rock,’ & More

Kenneth dresses up as Leap Dave Williams in a special Leap Day episode of '30 Rock'

How I Met Your Mother, season 7, episode 17: “No Pressure”

Ted: “Barney, you’ve really grown up, you know that?”
Barney: “Thanks. Now lets watch our two best friends have sex on tape.”

Cougar Town, season 3, episode 2: “A Mind with a Heart of Its Own”

“It’s so romantic, like that movie Inception, when Leo loves his wife so much. But then she gets mad and moves to that weird city where there’s like no people and earthquakes all the time. Then he ends up on snow mountain and falls in love with Juno!” —Laurie

Glee, season 3, episode 14: “On My Way”

Rachel: “I want to get married. Now.”
Finn (bewildered): “I have gym…”

New Girl, season 1, episode 14: “Bully”

“I like to improvise with my body. I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.” —Schmidt

30 Rock, season 6, episode 9: “Leap Day”

“That was this creep I went to college with. Such a nerd! And this is coming from someone who wrote lyrics to the song the Cantina Band plays in Star Wars. [Singing:] Figrin D’an the Kloo horn man…” —Liz

Parks and Recreation, season 4, episode 17: “Campaign Shake-Up”

“The dog training course I took was conducted entirely in German, and so now I’m fluent in German…words relating to dogs.” —Chris

“I own more pairs of UGGs than she does.” —Tom

Top 10 ‘Princess Bride’ Movie Quotes

Happy Top 10 Tuesday, world! That’s right—this week, instead of the usual Top 5, we’re giving you a special bonus, because we’re celebrating our favorite quotes from The Princess Bride, and I just couldn’t narrow it down to five because, well, it is the greatest movie ever made, after all. So, fix yourself a nice MLT and prepare to die…of excitement. Because this is my favorite movie of all time, and I’ve picked the best of the best lines from it. We’ll start with the standards…

Read the rest of this entry

Quotes of the Week: ‘Cougar Town,’ ‘New Girl,’ & More

Left to right: Laurie & the gang TP it up on 'Cougar Town,' Mitchell & Cam drown their sorrows on 'Modern Family,' & Brad mimicks his fashion idol Grant on 'Happy Endings'

Let’s review the week’s most notable quotables, shall we?…

How I Met Your Mother, season 7, episode 16: “The Drunk Train”

Marshall: “How did I know that he would eat my wallet?”
Lily: “Why was your wallet filled with chocolate?!”
Marshall: “So we’re back to that argument?”

Cougar Town, season 3, episode 1: “Ain’t Love Strange”

Laurie (in response to Tom’s suggestion that they break in his new hot tub): “I’m gonna have to throw my ‘too creepy’ flag!”

Glee, season 3, episode 13: “Heart”

Rachel’s dad: “Honesty. Respect. Dance. Those are the foundations of the Berry family.”

New Girl, season 1, episode 13: “Valentine’s Day”

Schmidt: “Outliers? You should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It’s one of my desert island books, along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of The Vampire Diaries, a little Phantom T…”

Raising Hope, season 2, episode 14: “Jimmy’s Fake Girlfriend”

Jimmy: “I hate this. I feel like I’m tangled in a dirty web of lies.”
Virginia: “Don’t think of it as a dirty web of lies. Think of it as a warm cocoon of lies.”

Suburgatory, season 1, episode 14: “The Body”

Mr Wolfe: “Ariel, our student body president stepped down this morning due to unexpected fatness.”

Modern Family, season 3, episode 15: “Aunt Mommy”

Cam: “I’m playing a new drinking game, it’s called, ‘Every time I’m depressed I take a drink.'”
Mitchell: “That game exists. It’s called alcoholism.”

Happy Endings, season 2, episode 14: “Everybody Loves Grant”

Brad: “I used to think Michael Caine was perfect. Until I met Grant.”

The Vampire Diaries, season 3, episode 15: “All My Children”

Elijah: “In any case, you have until six minutes after 9 to find me.”
Damon: “Wow, how super specific of you.”

30 Rock, season 6, episode 9: “The Tuxedo Begins”

Kenneth (to Liz & Pete): “When I move on to my new job, I’m sure gonna miss you two and your whole Sam and Diane thing… Sam and Diane are the lesbian couple in my building who murdered each other.”

Parks & Recreation, season 4, episode 15: “Dave Returns”

Tom: “I don’t wanna brag, but I have a ton of experience with women being mad at me.”

Up All Night, season 1, episode 16: “Travel Day”

Amanda (to Ava): “We really are the Simon and Garfunkel of Hip Hop.”


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